


when you're gone

by BeStillMySlashyHeart



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Comfort, F/F, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:41:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25671508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeStillMySlashyHeart/pseuds/BeStillMySlashyHeart
Summary: Hello Rosa,After the accident, I had a vision of you sitting next to Liz and Maria on a bench. They both looked older while you looked the same. I knew then that you would be alright. There have been more visions in the years since which only confirm that you will return to us but I still don’t know how. What I do know is you will be okay, and they will be okay because of it. I told Maria to email you when she missed you, when she wanted to talk to you. I told her to tell Liz and Alex and your father the same thing. I don’t know if they did but I hope so. You are so greatly missed, by all of us.I hope to see you soon.Love,MimiWhen Rosa accesses her old email account she finds out just how much she was missed.
Relationships: Alex Manes & Rosa Ortecho, Arturo Ortecho & Rosa Ortecho, Liz Ortecho & Rosa Ortecho, Maria DeLuca & Rosa Ortecho, Max Evans/Liz Ortecho - referenced, Michael Guerin/Alex Manes - referenced, Rosa Ortecho & Kyle Valenti
Comments: 7
Kudos: 58





	when you're gone

**Author's Note:**

> remember when i swore i was never writing another email fic again? yeah me too

She has no idea why she even bothered. It had been over ten years. Life moved on. Technology moved on. Hell, her phone number was given to someone else. Rosa didn’t know much about how technology worked these days but she didn’t think it was outside the realm of possibility that her email address would be deactivated for inactivity. 

But it worked. Score one for always using the same password for everything.

It only took one try and there was her old email address complete with...2,306 emails.

Rosa stared at the number in shock, laughter bubbling up in her throat. She started scrolling through, laughing at the sheer spammy nonsense emails she’d gotten from websites she couldn’t remember signing up for when one subject line stopped her.

_Subject: I miss you_

Rosa looked at the sender and froze. 

_From: liz.ortecho@gmail.com_

It was dated two months before she woke up.

Rosa stared at it for a long moment before clicking on it.

> _From:_ [ _liz.ortecho@gmail.com_ ](mailto:liz.ortecho@gmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:rosaortecho@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: I miss you_
> 
> _Date: 11:13 pm 09/24/18_
> 
> I tried to make a cage around my heart like you said. I tried to protect myself but I failed. I’m sorry.
> 
> I fell in love, Rosa. With Max Evans. 
> 
> And I hate it. I don’t want to be in love. Not with him. Not after what he did to you and to Papi. He set you up. He let the town blame you for killing Kate and Jasmine and he stood there and let them harass Papi and I don’t know how to love a man who did that to you. But I do. 
> 
> I love him, Rosa.
> 
> I’m sorry.
> 
> I miss you.

Rosa put her computer aside and grabbed her phone. It was late and Liz was probably asleep but she didn’t care.

“What’s wrong?” Liz answered. Her voice was rough with sleep but she sounded wide awake.

“I love you,” Rosa told her.

“I love you too,” she replied automatically. “What’s wrong?”

Rosa shook her head even though Liz couldn’t see her. “Nothing’s wrong. I just needed to tell you. And I know you’re mad at Max right now or you’re having issues or however you want to put it but I don’t care. I know how much you love him and it’s okay. It’s okay to love him and be mad at him and it’s okay to love him even if I don’t like him all that much and it’s okay to love him even if he’s done some shitty things. You love him and I love you.”

Liz didn’t say anything right away. “...Rosa, what’s going on?”

Rosa stared at her computer screen. “I just don’t want you to feel bad about loving him, okay? I know I haven’t been the most supportive or whatever but you know I don’t really care, right?”

“I know.”

“I love you. No matter what.”

“I know.”

“Even if you did go and fall in love with a white boy with a savior complex.”

Liz laughed. “I know. I love you too, Rosa.”

“And I’m proud of you.”

“For what?” Liz made a questioning noise.

“For letting yourself love him. I remember telling you to make a cage around your heart to keep yourself safe. To always wear your armor so you wouldn’t get hurt. I was an idiot.”

“No, Rosa, that’s not-”

“I was. But I was 19 and I was trying to pretend that I knew everything.”

“Was?”

Rosa gasped. “Hey!” Liz laughed. “I was the all knowing big sister, okay? I wanted to give you advice that would keep you safe. But it was bad advice and I’m glad you ignored me and got to fall in love.”

“Me too,” Liz agreed softly. “Even if it hurts sometimes. It’s worth it.”

“I’m glad,” Rosa told her honestly. “I really am.”

“Rosa,” Liz asked after a beat. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes,” replied Rosa. “I just needed to talk to you. Because I can.”

“Yeah,” Liz marveled. “You can.”

“Go to sleep,” Rosa ordered. “I’m sorry for waking you up.”

Liz hummed. “It’s always good to hear your voice.”

“Go to sleep.”

“Fine,” Liz laughed. “G’night.”

Rosa hung up and dropped the phone onto her bed with a thump. She pulled her computer back onto her lap and went back to the inbox. She couldn’t be sure but if she knows her sister at all, she wouldn’t just send one email after ten years. She’d-

Rosa stared at her screen. Amidst all of the spam were a bunch of emails that were definitely meant for her. And they weren’t all from Liz. She scrolled further, all the way back to the day she died.

There were hundreds of them. The email addresses changed over the years but they were there. Most were from Liz but there were a ton from Maria and from Alex and a few from her dad. There was even one from her mom.

Rosa spent the next hour clearing out all of the spam emails. It was well past midnight and she needed to sleep but she needed this more somehow. When it was all said and done, she had over 300 emails. Rosa stared at that number for a long time.

300 emails.

300 times where someone wanted to talk to her. She was dead and gone and there were 300 times where the people she loved reached out anyway.

The screen blurred as her eyes welled up. Rosa had always felt so alone, so alienated from everyone else in this town. She’d known Liz and her dad would miss her if something happened but she’d never imagined something like this.

Rosa shut the computer and set it aside. 

\---

Rosa ignored the emails for two weeks. Every time she was tempted to look at them, she forced herself to do something else. 

Finally, she couldn’t resist anymore. One day, after lunch and group therapy, she sequestered herself in her room and opened her email. The number still jumped out at her, still made her feel funny in a way she couldn’t really identify.

She started to scroll to the bottom, wanting to go through them chronologically, when the email at the top caught her attention. It was sent a week ago. She opened it.

> _From:_ [ _liz.ortecho@gmail.com_ ](mailto:liz.ortecho@gmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: I love you_
> 
> _Date: 6:44 am 10/12/19_
> 
> I love you. 
> 
> Now read the rest. Or don’t. I sent them not expecting you to read them but I still sent them to you because I wanted to so they are yours to read but I don’t want you to feel like you have to just because they’re there.

Rosa smiled and thought about replying but she didn’t know what she would say so she closed it out. 

After switching the filter to show the oldest email first, Rosa was surprised to see Maria’s name at the very top. It was sent just days after Rosa died.

> _From: mariadepsychic@hotmail.com_
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: why_
> 
> _Date: 2:31 am 06/21/08_
> 
> I am so angry at you.
> 
> Why’d you do it? Why’d you get behind the wheel? How could you be so stupid?! How could you do that to Liz?! To your dad?
> 
> Liz left. She just left. She’s not answering her phone and I don’t know where she went and it’s all your fault and I can’t even yell at you and I hate it and I hate you and I miss you so fucking much

Rosa didn’t know what to do with that. 

There was another email right under it from Maria, dated just a few minutes after the first one. Rosa clicked on it.

> _From: mariadepsychic@hotmail.com_
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: im sorry_
> 
> _Date: 2:35 am 06/21/08_
> 
> I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. I’m sorry. I’m just mad at the world. You should be here. Liz should be here.
> 
> I was going to call and yell at your voicemail but Mom said I should email you instead. Didn’t really say why but that’s Mimi for you.
> 
> I love you

Mimi told her…

Rosa scrolled through her inbox, searching for Mimi’s name. She was almost to the bottom when she found it.

> _From:_ [ _psychicmimi@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:psychicmimi@yahoo.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: Hello Rosa_
> 
> _Date: 12:13 pm 03/25/16_
> 
> Hello Rosa,
> 
> I have many things to say and I had hoped to say them in person but I’m starting to realize I might not get that chance. My mind isn’t what it used to be. I have more bad days than good days and by the time I see you again I imagine I won’t be having very many good days at all so I want to say this now.
> 
> I am so proud of you, Rosa. It is a very difficult thing to admit you need help and even more difficult to accept that help. You will come out of this stronger than ever. I haven’t seen it but I know it to be true because I know you. 
> 
> After the accident, I had a vision of you sitting next to Liz and Maria on a bench. They both looked older while you looked the same. I knew then that you would be alright. There have been more visions in the years since which only confirm that you will return to us but I still don’t know how. What I do know is you will be okay, and they will be okay because of it. I told Maria to email you when she missed you, when she wanted to talk to you. I told her to tell Liz and Alex and your father the same thing. I don’t know if they did but I hope so. You are so greatly missed, by all of us.
> 
> I hope to see you soon.
> 
> Love,
> 
> Mimi

Rosa wiped at her eyes and vowed to give Mimi a hug when she saw her. Mimi probably wouldn’t remember why but she didn’t care. She’d hug her anyways. 

> _From:_ [ _panicattheufo@hotmail.com_ ](mailto:panicattheufo@hotmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: this feels stupid_
> 
> _Date: 3:41 pm 07/23/08_
> 
> I don’t know why I’m doing this. It’s not like you’re going to read it or respond. You’re dead Rosa. You’re actually really dead.
> 
> Maria said to send you an email whenever I miss you but I can’t do that. I think I’d be emailing you constantly. But I need to talk to you and you’re not here so I guess this is the next best thing.
> 
> I met a guy.
> 
> Well I already met him. Grew up with him just like everyone else in this stupid town. But something happened. He kissed me and I swear the world stopped. It’s like nothing else mattered as long as he was kissing me. And part of me really wants to stay in Roswell just for him.
> 
> But my dad’s still my dad and he’s been worse than usual. He wants me to enlist and I don’t know how much longer I can say no for. 

It was strange, knowing that she could have been having these kinds of conversations with Alex. Since she’d been back, Alex had been distant. She thought it was her but Liz promised it was just how Alex was these days and that made her sad. Alex had never been so closed off, not to his friends. 

> _From:_ [ _panicattheufo@hotmail.com_ ](mailto:panicattheufo@hotmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: i need you to yell at me_
> 
> _Date: 8:32 pm 08/18/08_
> 
> I went to the recruiting center earlier. I didn’t sign the papers yet but I think I’m going to.
> 
> I need to get out of this town. I need to get away from my dad.
> 
> The guy won’t leave. And he’s different now. He’s still him but he’s angrier. He gets in fights and he’s drinking and I don’t think I can handle it. But I love him. Like, I really really love him. I get what all the songs are about now.  
> But I still can’t stay.
> 
> Why aren’t you here Rosa? I need you to yell at me. Tell me to get my shit together and not become my dad. I can’t join the Air Force.

> _From:_ [ _panicattheufo@hotmail.com_ ](mailto:panicattheufo@hotmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: shit_
> 
> _Date: 2:33 pm 08/21/08_
> 
> I joined the Air Force.

Rosa made a note to call Alex and make sure he knew that he wasn’t his father. As surprised as she’d been to find out he’d enlisted, she knew he wasn’t Jesse Manes. He never could be. Not even on his very worst day.

> _From:_ [ _mariadepyschic@hotmail.com_ ](mailto:mariadepyschic@hotmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: Alex left_
> 
> _Date: 2:42 pm 09/03/08_
> 
> Alex joined the Air Force. I thought he was kidding when he told me but he actually did it. He left this morning.
> 
> It used to be the four of us and now it’s just me. 
> 
> I miss you

> _From:_ [ _mariadepyschic@hotmail.com_ ](mailto:mariadepyschic@hotmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: It’s Halloween_
> 
> _Date: 11:32 pm 10/31/08_
> 
> Scary movie marathons are a lot less fun by yourself
> 
> There was a gap in the emails, nothing from any of them until a bunch all on the same day.

> _From:_ [ _mariadepyschic@hotmail.com_ ](mailto:mariadepyschic@hotmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: happy birthday_
> 
> _Date: 12:01 am 02/09/09_
> 
> Happy Birthday! I miss you

> _From:_ [ _panicattheufo@hotmail.com_ ](mailto:panicattheufo@hotmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: its that time of year again_
> 
> _Date: 12:04 am 02/09/09_
> 
> I just realized you will officially always be a teenager. You never have to grow up and be an actual adult. I think that would have made you happy somehow
> 
> happy birthday rosa

> _From:_ [ _lizthesciencegirl@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:lizthesciencegirl@yahoo.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: i miss you_
> 
> _Date: 11:49 pm 02/09/09_
> 
> It’s your birthday and I spent the day drunk. I’m not sure if you would be proud of me or pissed off. 
> 
> Maria said she sends you emails sometimes and someone else has your phone number now so I guess this is the best I’ve got. I could go to your grave but I haven’t been home since you died. I didn’t even stay for your funeral I’m sorry.
> 
> Would you be proud of me? For leaving? I’ve seen the ocean, Rosa. And it’s beautiful. I keep taking pictures of it and I want to send them to you. You would love it here in California. I feel like this was where you were meant to be. I see you everywhere.
> 
> I miss you
> 
> I love you
> 
> Happy Birthday
> 
> _From:_ [ _thecrashdown@aol.com_ ](mailto:thecrashdown@aol.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: Happy Birthday_
> 
> _Date: 11:52 pm 02/09/09_
> 
> feliz cumpleaños mija
> 
> I miss you

After that it was like the dam broke. The next 23 emails were all from Liz and all within about six weeks.

> _From:_ [ _lizthesciencegirl@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:lizthesciencegirl@yahoo.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: i told you you’d love it_
> 
> _Date: 11:43 am 02/11/09_
> 
> _3 files attached_
> 
> I told you I wanted to send the pictures to you. It’s beautiful out here.

> _From:_ [ _lizthesciencegirl@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:lizthesciencegirl@yahoo.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: i want to see you paint this_
> 
> _Date: 8:53 pm 02/12/09_
> 
> _2 files attached_
> 
> I miss your art

> _From:_ [ _lizthesciencegirl@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:lizthesciencegirl@yahoo.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: red is my armor_
> 
> _Date: 5:43 pm 02/14/09_
> 
> You would think it was an actual crime to be single on Valentine’s Day in college. Even the single people magically find dates just for this one night. It’s so stupid.
> 
> I went shopping and bought myself a new red dress just for the occasion. I do not need a date when I look this good.

> _From:_ [ _lizthesciencegirl@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:lizthesciencegirl@yahoo.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: ugh_
> 
> _Date: 11:42 pm 02/14/09_
> 
> Kyle was an ass but I miss him

> _From:_ [ _lizthesciencegirl@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:lizthesciencegirl@yahoo.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: i can’t go home_
> 
> _Date: 11:19 am 03/02/09_
> 
> I talked to Papi. He’s very good at guilt tripping without actually guilt tripping. Like I think I would honestly feel better if he was actually guilt tripping me. He wants me to come home for spring break but I can’t. I can’t be in that town. Not even for Papi.

Rosa pressed her fist to her mouth and read two years worth of emails that night. Some of them were short, only a few words, while some made her ache to go back in time and be able to _talk_ to them. 

> _From: alexander.manes@mail.mil_
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: you’d be proud_
> 
> _Date: 1:22 am 04/19/09_
> 
> There are a surprising number of closeted guys on a military base. I’ve never had so much luck.

> _From:_ [ _elizabeth.ortecho@ucla.edu_ ](mailto:elizabeth.ortecho@ucla.edu)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: ITS SUMMERTIME_
> 
> _Date: 3:44 pm 05/30/09_
> 
> Where should I go? I’m thinking one ocean isn’t enough. I need to see the other. Any objections? No? Good.

> _From:_ [ _elizabeth.ortecho@ucla.edu_ ](mailto:elizabeth.ortecho@ucla.edu)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: your art is still better but damn_
> 
> _Date: 5:42 am 06/07/09_
> 
> _2 files attached_
> 
> It’s been a year. 365 days without you. Sometimes I feel like it’s been 100 years and sometimes I turn around and still expect you to be standing there
> 
> I went out to the beach this morning and watched the sunrise. It made me think of you. Of how much you’d love to see this. I can picture your smile, the sun reflected on your face as it hits you. 
> 
> The pictures don’t do it justice but it was beautiful. 
> 
> I miss you so much

> _From:_ [ _mariadepsychic@hotmail.com_ ](mailto:mariadepsychic@hotmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: I miss you_
> 
> _Date: 6:32 pm 06/07/09_
> 
> I already spent hours talking to you earlier but I guess I wanted to send you an email too. I miss you and I love you

> _From: alexander.manes@mail.mil_
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: its been a year_
> 
> _Date: 9:32 pm 06/07/09_
> 
> How has it been a year? 
> 
> _From:_ [ _mariadepsychic@hotmail.com_ ](mailto:mariadepsychic@hotmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@hotmail.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@hotmail.com)
> 
> _Subject: chad_
> 
> _Date: 11:32 pm 07/01/09_
> 
> Why are Chad’s hot? Like...they’re _Chads_ but theyre hot…

> _From:_ [ _elizabeth.ortecho@umich.edu_ ](mailto:elizabeth.ortecho@umich.edu)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: FUCK_
> 
> _Date: 10:45 am 08/19/09_
> 
> I FUCKED UP 
> 
> SHIT
> 
> ROSA!
> 
> I transferred schools because apparently I took over your itchy feet or whatever and I wanted a change so I picked Michigan BUT I FORGOT KYLE GOES HERE
> 
> ABORT
> 
> I saw him on the quad and ran away
> 
> FUCK

> _From:_ [ _kyle.valenti@umich.edu_ ](mailto:kyle.valenti@umich.edu)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: liz_
> 
> _Date: 1:12 am 10/27/09_
> 
> This feels really weird but Liz says she does it so whatever
> 
> She’s not great Rosa. She misses you. 
> 
> P.S. if this is not Rosa’s email anymore then sorry?

> _From:_ [ _thecrashdown@aol.com_ ](mailto:thecrashdown@aol.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: Halloween_
> 
> _Date: 11:33 pm 10/31/09_
> 
> It was too quiet tonight. I miss the giggles and screams of the four of you trying to watch scary movies all night.
> 
> I miss you

> From: [ elizabeth.ortecho@mail.miami.edu ](mailto:elizabeth.ortecho@mail.miami.edu)
> 
> To: [ redrosa@yahoo.com ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> Subject: Michigan was a bad idea
> 
> Date: 4:59 pm 01/11/10
> 
> Right so going to Michigan was a terrible idea on like every front. Kyle wasn’t that bad but I think distance definitely made the heart grow fonder. Also, Michigan in winter is a no go for me sooo I have transferred to Miami!
> 
> Sweet blessed heat
> 
> _From:_ [ _panicattheufo@hotmail.com_ ](mailto:panicattheufo@hotmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: 21_
> 
> _Date: 11:59 pm 02/09/10_
> 
> It’s yor 21st birthday and youre not heer to drink for it so I did ti for you. Youer wlecome

> _From:_ [ _mariadepsychic@hotmail.com_ ](mailto:mariadepsychic@hotmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: Happy Birthday_
> 
> _Date: 11:59 pm 02/09/10_
> 
> Happy birthday Rosa. Mom poured you a drink at the Pony. I drank it for you.

> _From:_ [ _elizabeth.ortecho@mail.miami.edu_ ](mailto:elizabeth.ortecho@mail.miami.edu)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: LOOK AT THIS_
> 
> _Date: 1:34 pm 03/04/10_
> 
> _7 files attached_
> 
> OMG ROSA YOU WOULD LOVE THIS

> _From: alexander.manes@mail.mil_
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: im being deployed_
> 
> _Date: 5:23 am 05/19/10_
> 
> Is it weird that I somehow didn’t expect this to happen? I joined the military, I knew it came with deployments and active duty and yet...I was blindsided when I got the orders
> 
> I don’t want to go to war Rosa. I know you’re not supposed to admit that but dammit I don’t want to die in a uniform. I don’t want my dad to get that glory or whatever. I won’t be his martyr

> _From:_ [ _mariadepsychic@hotmail.com_ ](mailto:mariadepsychic@hotmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: Mimi_
> 
> _Date: 1:32 am 05/22/10_
> 
> I think something’s wrong with my mom. Like clinically wrong. She’s forgetting things and saying things that don’t make sense.
> 
> It’s scaring me. 
> 
> And Liz is stressing about finals and Alex is going to war and I can’t talk to anyone about it. You’re not here. 

Rosa downloaded and saved every photo Liz had sent her. Most were of beaches and sunsets (and sunsets at the beach) but there were some of Liz that she loved. She was already thinking about trying to paint a few of them in addition to the ones Liz had requested. It was a given that she was going to paint those. 

After reading the last email from Maria, Rosa put her computer away. The emails were a lot. She loved them but it wasn’t easy, getting a snapshot into their lives and knowing she’d missed it all.

> _To: Alex_
> 
> Two questions
> 
> _From: Alex_
> 
> ??
> 
> _To: Alex_
> 
> Exactly how much sex did you have on base before DADT was repealed?
> 
> _To: Alex_
> 
> And how much did you drink on my 21st??
> 
> The three dots appeared to show Alex was typing. They stayed there for a little while and then disappeared. Then they appeared again.
> 
> _From: Alex_
> 
> Please tell me you’re not doing what it feels like you're doing…
> 
> Rosa grinned.
> 
> _To: Alex_
> 
> What does it feel like I’m doing?
> 
> _From: Alex_
> 
> ...reading?
> 
> _To: Alex_
> 
> Hm
> 
> _From: Alex_
> 
> That’s not fair. You were dead. 
> 
> _To: Alex_
> 
> All’s fair in love and war...and emails you sent to a dead friend who is no longer dead and can now read them
> 
> _To: Alex_
> 
> You haven’t answered my questions
> 
> _From: Alex_
> 
> ...a lot. To both
> 
> _To: Alex_
> 
> I’m so proud

\---

Rosa put off reading any more emails for another week. She needed the time and the space to process it all. In that time, she managed to finish painting the sunrise picture Liz had sent her. It had taken time to get the colors just right but she thinks she did okay. When it was finished she took a picture and sent it to Liz without comment.

Her phone rang less than five minutes later.

“Oh my god! It’s gorgeous!” Liz exclaimed before Rosa could say anything. “Holy shit Rosa.” There was a genuine sense of wonder in her sister’s voice that warmed her soul. Liz’s voice softened. “I love it. I really do. It’s so good.”

“Thank you,” Rosa told her sincerely. “I’m glad I did it justice.”

“...justice?” 

Rosa smiled. “You asked me to paint it.”

Rosa could hear the furrow in Liz’s brow. “I did?”

“Hm,” Rosa agreed. “First sunrise over the Atlantic?”

Liz inhaled sharply. “Oh my god…” she whispered. “Hold on.” Rosa waited while Liz pulled it up on her computer, the keys clicking away next to the phone. “ _Rosa_ ,” Liz exhaled. “I was right. Your art is so much better.”

Rosa’s cheeks hurt from smiling too widely. “I started one of the sunset ones you sent too.”

“Really?” Liz almost squealed. “Wait, you know you don’t have to, right?”

“I know,” Rosa assured her. “I want to. You wanted me to and I want to do it.”

Now Liz did squeal. “I’m so excited. It’s going to be amazing, I just know it.”

\---

> _From: alexander.manes@mail.mil_
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: [No Subject]_
> 
> _Date: 2:33 am 07/31/10_
> 
> I killed someone. I actually killed someone. He was going to kill me but I shot him first and fuck Rosa I actually killed someone
> 
> I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t
> 
> I need to talk to him. But I don’t know if he’ll answer me if I call and I don’t know what I’ll do if I call and he doesn’t answer

Rosa snatched up her phone and called Alex.

“Rosa?”

“Did you call him?” 

“Did I call-”

“Guerin. After you killed the guy in your first deployment. Did you call him?”

Alex let out a loud exhale. “Yeah. Yeah, I called him.”

“Did he answer?”

“Yeah, Rosa. He answered.”

“Good.” 

She hung up and dropped the phone next to her. 

> _From:_ [ _eortecho@uw.edu_ ](mailto:eortecho@uw.edu)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: the stereotype is real_
> 
> _Date: 4:31 pm 08/19/10_
> 
> It. Never. Stops. Raining. 

Rosa looked up UW and found out it was in Seattle. Liz really had gotten around when she was in school.

> _From:_ [ _maria.deluca@gmail.com_ ](mailto:maria.deluca@gmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: why are men assholes_
> 
> _Date: 4:13 pm 08/20/10_
> 
> I guess this is what I get for dating a Chad but seriously? Why do men have to be dicks?

> _From:_ [ _eortecho@uw.edu_ ](mailto:eortecho@uw.edu)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: men suck_
> 
> _Date: 9:18 pm 09/02/10_
> 
> Why do men suck? Would it actually kill them to just be upfront with a woman? 

> _From:_ [ _panicattheufo@hotmail.com_ ](mailto:panicattheufo@hotmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: love is painful_
> 
> _Date: 7:13 pm 11/14/10_
> 
> I went back to Roswell because I’m an idiot. And because he’s there. (of course I was avoiding Roswell because he’s there but)
> 
> It’s still so good Rosa. I’ve slept with a lot of guys by now and I’ve kissed a lot more and none of them even come close to him. I can’t tell if he’s actually _that_ good or if it just feels that good because it’s him.
> 
> I have to leave tomorrow and he’s going to hate it. How much of a dick would I be if I just left? He didn’t say goodbye last time I left maybe it’s my turn

> _From:_ [ _eortecho@uw.edu_ ](mailto:eortecho@uw.edu)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: omg_
> 
> _Date: 10:12 am 12/01/10_
> 
> _1 file attached_
> 
> Sometimes I see things that I just know would have made you laugh
> 
> This is not one of those

“Ew,” Rosa gagged. She hurriedly clicked to the next message. That was one attachment she would _not_ be downloading.

> _From:_ [ _eortecho@uw.edu_ ](mailto:eortecho@uw.edu)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: i dont know_
> 
> _Date: 1:12 am 01/29/11_
> 
> I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I’m getting this degree and taking a million different courses for it but I don’t know what to do with it besides do more science
> 
> I’m 20 years old! Why do I have to have my whole life figured out?!
> 
> _From:_ [ _eortecho@uw.edu_ ](mailto:eortecho@uw.edu)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: i do know_
> 
> _Date: 12:17 pm 04/18/11_
> 
> I want to do science. I want to do science that _matters_. And I want to be the first Latina to win the Nobel Prize for Medicine and I’m going to do it
> 
> ...I just need to transfer schools again to do it because UW doesn’t have the right courses

> _From:_ [ _maria.deluca@gmail.com_ ](mailto:maria.deluca@gmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: 21!!_
> 
> _Date: 9:18 pm 01/11/12_
> 
> It’s my 21st birthday and I miss you

> _From:_ [ _e.ortecho@gatech.edu_ ](mailto:e.ortecho@gatech.edu)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: colors_
> 
> _Date: 11:38 am 01/19/12_
> 
> I really should start picking colleges based on their colors or maybe lack of school spirit. I can’t take it when the campus is all one (ugly) color

> _From: alexander.manes@mail.mil_
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: its weird_
> 
> _Date: 2:31 pm 02/14/12_
> 
> It’s a little funny. You’re dead. I know this. Despite my emails I have never once forgotten that you were dead. And yet
> 
> I went by your grave today (yes I’m in Roswell and yes it’s because of him. please don’t judge me) I think it’s the first time I’ve seen it. I was at your funeral but your dad hadn’t gotten the headstone yet so it was just a hole in the ground but now there’s a headstone with your name and everything. It hits different when you see it. I think I like it better when I can just send emails out into the empty void of the internet never to be read. Maria goes to your grave. She also goes out to the crash site and makes sure your marker is still set up. She finds it comfortable I think. I can’t do that. I don’t know if I should apologize for it.

> _From: alexander.manes@mail.mil_
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: RE: its weird_
> 
> _Date: 2:32 pm 02/14/12_
> 
> I only just realized what the date was because I sent you that email
> 
> Fuck
> 
> What do you do for the guy you’ve been not seeing for four years? 
> 
> _From:_ [ _maria.deluca@gmail.com_ ](mailto:maria.deluca@gmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: why does everyone always leave?_
> 
> _Date: 5:12 pm 03/23/12_
> 
> I haven’t talked to Liz in almost a year. We used to talk every day and now I don’t know what’s going on with her. I don’t even know where she is. 
> 
> Alex was in Roswell last month for the first time in a year and I saw him for maybe half an hour? I literally ran into him in the Crashdown and made him have lunch with me. I didn’t even know he was in town.
> 
> What happened to us Rosa?

After that, the emails from Maria and Alex dropped off. The next several dozen were all from Liz (from no less than four different school accounts) and a few from her dad. Rosa read each of them carefully, greedy for every tidbit that they shared. Liz had caught her up on the highlights and she would answer any question Rosa asked but it wasn’t the same as being there. And reading these emails was about as close as Rosa could possibly get. They were snapshots of Liz’s life, moments where she’d thought of Rosa, moments that she’d wanted to share with her, and Rosa meant to treasure each and every one.

> _From:_ [ _thecrashdown@aol.com_ ](mailto:thecrashdown@aol.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: your room_
> 
> _Date: 2:11 pm 05/12/12_
> 
> Should I clean out your room? It is the same as you girls left it and I do not know if that is good or bad

> _From:_ [ _e.ortecho@gatech.edu_ ](mailto:e.ortecho@gatech.edu)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@gmail.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@gmail.com)
> 
> _Subject: I DID IT_
> 
> _Date: 1:52 pm 05/19/12_
> 
> _2 files attached_
> 
> I did it Rosa! I graduated!
> 
> Now on to grad school!

Rosa downloaded the photos, one of her sister in her cap and gown, her smile about to break her face, and the other of the two of them. Her dad’s familiar ‘proud papa’ face was out in full force. She’d have to print those out at some point. 

Rosa closed the email, deciding that was more than enough for today. It was taking her longer to get through them than she’d expected. 

> _To: Liz_
> 
> Did you go to enough schools???
> 
> _From: Liz_
> 
> Lol no
> 
> Had to find the right one
> 
> Took a few tries
> 
> _To: Liz_
> 
> What’s your definition of ‘a few’?
> 
> Asking for a friend

\---

> _From:_ [ _maria.deluca@gmail.com_ ](mailto:maria.deluca@gmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: Mimi_
> 
> _Date: 3:23 pm 03/23/14_
> 
> My mom’s getting really sick. I’m trying to run the Pony and take care of her at the same time and it’s too much. I don’t know how much longer I can do it.
> 
> I feel a little silly emailing you. I know I used to all the time but now it feels...i don’t know
> 
> Maybe it’s because my mom told me to? And now I find myself doubting things she’s told me? 
> 
> It’s so hard Rosa. She’s all I’ve got.

Rosa put the computer away and called Maria. It rang for a while before going to voicemail. Rosa called again.

“Hey!” Maria answered out of breath. “What’s up?”

“You okay?” Rosa frowned.

“I’m great!” She sounded strange. “What’s up?” There was a voice in the background that Maria quickly hushed.

Rosa laughed. “What’s his name?” She hoped it wasn’t Guerin but she prepared herself to be supportive if it was.

Maria mumbled something.

“What was that?”

Maria sighed obnoxiously. “Lindsey.”

Rosa blinked. “Wait. Seriously?”

“Is everyone else around here allowed to be bi except me?”

“No, of course not,” Rosa hurried to assure her. “But we’ve literally had this conversation before and you swore you were sadly very straight.”

“Yeah, well, I was wrong.”

“Was it good?”

“Yes,” Maria sighed. “It was so good.” There was laughter in the background.When Maria spoke again, her voice was fainter, like she held the phone away from her mouth. “Oh please, like you needed the ego boost!” 

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” Rosa laughed.

“Trust me if you were actually interrupting I would not have answered the phone no matter how much I love you.”

“Damn.”

“Yes. Now. What’s up? How’s rehab?”

“Ugh, it’s rehab,” Rosa whined. Maria laughed. “I was calling to ask about you, though. How’s your mom? And are you okay? Dealing with all of that?” She regretted asking when Maria sombered immediately.

“She’s...doing better? It’s hard to tell most days.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It is what it is.” Maria sighed. “It’s hard.”

“I’m sorry,” Rosa said again.

“You have nothing to apologize for.”

“I should have been more supportive.”

“Rosa, you’ve had a _lot_ going on.”

“Doesn’t mean I couldn’t find time to be there for you. I’m sorry I haven’t been a very good friend.”

“That’s alright,” Maria told her.

“It’s no-”

“We’ve got time,” Maria continued, talking over her.

And yeah, Rosa supposed they did.

\---

> _From:_ [ _e.ortecho@colorado.edu_ ](mailto:e.ortecho@cuboulder.edu)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: !!!_
> 
> _Date: 2:21 pm 05/02/14_
> 
> They offered me a position in their research department! Holy shit. It’s gonna happen Rosa. I’m going to get to do science that _means_ something
> 
> God, I wish you were here for me to call you and tell you

> _From:_ [ _e.ortecho@colorado.edu_ ](mailto:e.ortecho@cuboulder.edu)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: uuuugggghhhh_
> 
> _Date: 10:31 am 06/01/14_
> 
> What’s the old saying? Be careful what you wish for?

> _From: alexander.manes@mail.mil_
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: do better ortecho_
> 
> _Date: 8:27 pm 07/23/14_
> 
> I haven’t written you an email in a long time. I’d apologize but it’s not like you noticed.
> 
> Btw, if someone has taken over this email address then sorry and please ignore this?
> 
> You’ve been the angel/devil on my shoulder for years now but you need to step it up. My inner Rosa told me it was a great idea to get mildly drunk and drive across four states back to Roswell to see him because we had a fight. I hadn’t even seen him in almost two years. We barely talk and we always fight. But this one was bad and YOU told me to fix it
> 
> So now I’m in Roswell. Not talking to him. Because only an idiot would think our communication skills would improve in person.
> 
> Step it up Ortecho or I’m gonna have to find a new inner voice

> _From_ : [ _thecrashdown@aol.com_ ](mailto:thecrashdown@aol.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: You would be proud of her_
> 
> _Date: 4:38 pm 08/02/14_
> 
> Liz is doing so well. She wants to do you proud. And she has. You would be so proud of her mija. Just as she would be proud of you, whatever you would be doing right now.

> _From:_ [ _e.ortecho@colorado.edu_ ](mailto:e.ortecho@cuboulder.edu)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: I met a guy…_
> 
> _Date: 10:22 pm 09/15/14_
> 
> His name is Diego. He’s gorgeous and sweet and funny and smart and I like him. We work together so I wasn’t sure when he asked me out but we had our first date tonight and it went well.
> 
> It went really well.

> _From:_ [ _maria.deluca@gmail.com_ ](mailto:maria.deluca@gmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: Wild Pony_
> 
> _Date: 3:26 pm 11/13/14_
> 
> Buy a bar, they said. It’ll be fun, they said. 
> 
> If I murder my employees, they can’t show up for work. If I murder my employees, they can’t show up for work. If I murder my employees, they can’t show up for work…

> _From:_ [ _e.ortecho@colorado.edu_ ](mailto:e.ortecho@cuboulder.eu)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: this man is an idiot_
> 
> _Date: 9:33 pm 02/14/15_
> 
> _1 file attached_
> 
> Diego wanted to show me ‘the most beautiful sunset in the world’. Said there was nothing else on earth like watching a sunset in the mountains.
> 
> This man has clearly never seen a desert sunset

> _From:_ [ _e.ortecho@colorado.edu_ ](mailto:e.ortecho@cuboulder.edu)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: holy shit_
> 
> _Date: 11:46 am 04/13/15_
> 
> WE GOT THE GRANT!!!!
> 
> We’re going to be able to do so much with this money holy shit Rosa. We did it!!

> _From: alexander.manes@mail.mil_
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: im going back_
> 
> _Date: 11:34 am 06/02/15_
> 
> I got new orders to deploy. I leave next week. 
> 
> And no offense, but I don’t plan to see you any time soon.
> 
> Wish me luck

> _From:_ [ _e.ortecho@colorado.edu_ ](mailto:e.ortecho@cuboulder.edu)
> 
> _To:_ [ _redrosa@yahoo.com_ ](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: happy birthday_
> 
> _Date: 11:46 am 02/09/16_
> 
> It’s your birthday. I haven’t seen you an email on your birthday in a while and I’m sorry about that. Most years I try not to think about it but it’s getting a little easier.
> 
> I miss you. I love you. Happy 27th Birthday Rosa.

Rosa meant to click to the next email but her eyes caught on the number and refused to budge. 27. It’s practically a foreign concept to her. 27 years old. She’s not even 20 and yet she should be past 30. 

Age is a strange concept when you missed out on 10 years of your life. She doesn’t feel 27 or 30. She doesn’t feel like an adult. She’s 19. She _feels_ 19\. But right there in black and white is a reminder that she’s not. Or she’s not supposed to be. 

Rosa closed the computer and put it away, pushing uncomfortable thoughts away with it.

\---

She’s going home. After months of rehab and therapy, Rosa is going home. She’s cleared the program and completed the steps and made her amends. The only thing left for her to do is finish going through the emails. Months ago she had promised herself that leaving rehab was a step onwards and upwards, no looking back. The emails felt like a weight tying her to her missing decade, no matter how much she loved them. They couldn’t be lurking in the dark corners of her mind if she wanted to take that step.

Her last full day at the rehab center, Rosa sequestered herself in her room and opened up her email. There were less than 50 emails left to go. She clicked on the first one and settled in.

> _From: alexander.manes@mail.mil_
> 
> _To:_ [_redrosa@yahoo.com_](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: travel destination this is not_
> 
> _Date: 2:25 am 03/03/16_
> 
> I want a refund. It’s WINTER ffs it should not be this goddamn _hot_
> 
> I can’t tell you where I am (for some stupid reason the rule applies to dead people too) but I can tell you that there is a city close-ish by and they have TOURISTS. People _choose_ to come here.
> 
> Of course, I’m leaving in two weeks, thank god, and going to Roswell for my leave because I’m the type of idiot who chooses tiny little tourist towns in the middle of New Mexico for my vacation so I’m really not one to talk but still

> _From:_ [_helenaortecho@gmail.com_](mailto:helenaortecho@gmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [_redrosa@yahoo.com_](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: Mimi’s idea_
> 
> _Date: 7:13 pm 04/02/16_
> 
> Mimi has been telling me for weeks to do this. Half the time I talk to her she doesn’t make sense but she was adamant that I email you.
> 
> It’s been 8 years. I don’t know what she thinks will happen. I didn’t even remember your email, she had to tell me. I don’t know if I should apologize for that. 
> 
> I love you, Rosa. I wasn’t a very good mother but I loved you. I still do love you. I miss you every day. 
> 
> Love,
> 
> Mom

Rosa stared at her mom’s message for a while before clicking next. Her mom had her flaws, many of them in fact, but she was still her mom. For all that Rosa might be mad at her, she could never hate her.

> _From:_ [_e.ortecho@colorado.edu_](mailto:e.ortecho@colorado.edu)
> 
> _To:_ [_redrosa@yahoo.com_](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: oh shit_
> 
> _Date: 12:03 am 12/31/16_
> 
> Diego proposed. At midnight. In the middle of a party. With a lot of witnesses
> 
> Holy fucking shit Rosa
> 
> I’m not ready to get married! I don’t know if I _want_ to get married but I couldn’t say no!
> 
> So yeah. I’m engaged. 
> 
> _Fuck_

> _From:_ [_thecrashdown@aol.com_](mailto:thecrashdown@aol.com)
> 
> _To:_ [_redrosa@yahoo.com_](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: Liz_
> 
> _Date: 2:32 pm 01/03/17_
> 
> Liz is engaged! I know how excited you would be for her and I wanted to tell you

> _From:_ [_alexmanes@gmail.com_](mailto:alexmanes@gmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [_redrosa@yahoo.com_](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: fuck the usaf_
> 
> _Date: 6:31 pm 06/03/17_
> 
> They want to send me back. Third deployment. 
> 
> Fuck them. I just got back dammit!
> 
> Still no plans to see you

> _From:_ [_alexmanes@gmail.com_](mailto:alexmanes@gmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [_redrosa@yahoo.com_](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: RE:fuck the usaf_
> 
> _Date: 8:18 pm 09/13/17_
> 
> I guess third time’s the charm
> 
> Two tours and not so much as a scratch. Three weeks into my third and I get myself blown up.
> 
> I lost my leg Rosa
> 
> And he didn’t answer the phone

Rosa wanted to slap Michael Guerin.

> _From:_ [_thecrashdown@aol.com_](mailto:thecrashdown@aol.com)
> 
> _To:_ [_redrosa@yahoo.com_](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: Jim Valenti_
> 
> _Date: 4:27 pm 11/11/17_
> 
> Jim Valenti died. I thought you might want to know

> _From:_ [_e.ortecho@colorado.edu_](mailto:e.ortecho@colorado.edu)
> 
> _To:_ [_redrosa@yahoo.com_](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: wedding planning_
> 
> _Date: 9:13 pm 01/04/18_
> 
> Diego wants to plan the wedding. And like, sure I get it it’s been a year, but still. I can’t do it
> 
> I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m pretty sure I don’t want to get married at all or if it’s the fact that you won’t be here to see it and that just feels so very wrong. You’re supposed to stand next to me Rosa. You’re supposed to help me pick out the dress and listen to me whine and bitch about the fucking flowers or the colors or managing the guest list or whatever it is that I want to bitch about
> 
> You’re supposed to be _here_ and I don’t know how to do this without you
> 
> I can’t get married without my maid of honor

> _From:_ [_maria.deluca@gmail.com_](mailto:maria.deluca@gmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [_redrosa@yahoo.com_](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: i miss you_
> 
> _Date: 03/13/18_
> 
> Do you know that little rose you drew on the sign at the Pony is still there? So is the mix tape behind it. I can’t bring myself to get rid of either because it means you’re still there. I see it when I’m working and it always makes me smile.
> 
> I miss you

> _From:_ [_liz.ortecho@gmail.com_](mailto:liz.ortecho@gmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [_redrosa@yahoo.com_](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: oops_
> 
> _Date: 06/01/18_
> 
> I’m gonna call this, pulling a Rosa. No offense
> 
> We lost the grant and I lost my job and I sort of broke up with Diego by packing up my stuff while he was gone and leaving the ring behind when I drove away?
> 
> Not my finest hour, I’ll admit.
> 
> But I have a bigger problem. I have no where to go. And Papi asked me to come home. 
> 
> It’s been so long I don’t know if I can go home again

> _From:_ [_liz.ortecho@gmail.com_](mailto:liz.ortecho@gmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [_redrosa@yahoo.com_](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: RE: oops_
> 
> _Date: 06/06/18_
> 
> So it turns out I can go home again. I’m in Roswell Rosa. And I hate it
> 
> Your marker at the crash site was torn down and your grave was vandalized and someone shot up the diner and it’s been _one day_. One day.
> 
> It was strange though, when the diner got shot up. I was there and I swear I got hit but there’s no mark on me, not even a scratch. Do you think I would have noticed if I’d died? I think I would’ve seen you.

> _From:_ [_maria.deluca@gmail.com_](mailto:maria.deluca@gmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [_redrosa@yahoo.com_](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: Liz is home_
> 
> _Date: 10:12 pm 06/09/18_
> 
> Liz is in Roswell! It’s weird seeing her. Weird in a good way but still weird. It makes me miss you a little bit more.
> 
> She’s looking for something, I don’t know what, and she’s going through some of your old hiding places. I don’t know how much to tell her. I mean, you _didn’t_ tell her for a reason. It feels wrong to go behind your back but she’s here and you’re not

> _From:_ [_alexmanes@gmail.com_](mailto:alexmanes@gmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [_redrosa@yahoo.com_](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: im an idiot_
> 
> _Date: 11:52 pm 06/09/18_
> 
> Is it possible for you to smack me upside the head from beyond the grave? Because I think I might need it but I can’t let just anyone do it
> 
> I walked away. Again. 
> 
> One day he’s not gonna let me come back and I’m a little terrified that that day might be sooner rather than later. I don’t know what I’ll do when that happens

Rosa forwarded that email to Michael and cc’d Alex so he’d know what she did. She didn’t know if it would help but she figured it couldn’t really hurt.

> _From:_ [_liz.ortecho@gmail.com_](mailto:liz.ortecho@gmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [_redrosa@yahoo.com_](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: this is awkward_
> 
> _Date: 2:51 am 07/01/18_
> 
> Your biological father was Jim Valenti. You and Kyle are siblings.
> 
> I slept with your brother
> 
> I trust that you are saying ew as loudly as I am right now

> _From:_ [_kyle.valenti@gmail.com_](mailto:kyle.valenti@gmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [_redrosa@yahoo.com_](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: hey sis_
> 
> _Date: 7:13 am 07/02/18_
> 
> Apparently you’re my sister. I bet you really regret hating me when I was a teenager, huh? 
> 
> I don’t know if Liz still sends you emails but when I found out I wished I could talk to you and I remembered that she used to so I thought I’d do it too. 
> 
> I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could get to know you now that I know. I’m different now, I swear. Who knows? we might actually have been able to get along
> 
> _From:_ [_redrosa@yahoo.com_](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _To:_ [_kyle.valenti@gmail.com_](mailto:kyle.valenti@gmail.com)
> 
> _Subject: hey bro RE: hey sis_
> 
> _Date: 4:19 pm 10/03/19_
> 
> You’re not half bad Valenti

> _From:_ [_liz.ortecho@gmail.com_](mailto:liz.ortecho@gmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [_redrosa@yahoo.com_](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: that night_
> 
> _Date: 10:38 pm 08/21/18_
> 
> I know what happened that night Rosa. I know how you died. It wasn’t an accident and it wasn’t your fault and there’s nothing I can do about it. Everyone in this town thinks you killed Kate and Jasmine, that you killed yourself because you were too high or drunk or whatever and I can’t tell them the truth and it’s driving me crazy. You deserve the truth. You deserve for people to know that it wasn’t your fault, that you were a victim as much as them.
> 
> I’m so sorry I can’t tell them

That was the last email. Rosa stared at her screen, at the zero unread emails, and let out a breath. She hadn’t really done anything and yet it felt cathartic. 

Just as she was about to exit her mailbox there was a ping and a new email popped up. Rosa smiled and clicked on it.

> _From:_ [_liz.ortecho@gmail.com_](mailto:liz.ortecho@gmail.com)
> 
> _To:_ [_redrosa@yahoo.com_](mailto:redrosa@yahoo.com)
> 
> _Subject: [no subject]_
> 
> _Date: 4:21 pm 10/03/19_
> 
> I love you. And I miss you. I’ve written that probably a hundred times in these emails but it’s always true.
> 
> But now? Now I don’t have to miss you anymore. Papi said you’re being discharged tomorrow and I am so proud of you.
> 
> Celebrate by coming out here to see me. There’s a whole ocean waiting for you. 

**Author's Note:**

> i hope no one is disappointed that i did not actually write out all 300 emails


End file.
